Why Tanner Isn't Excited About G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

For those of you who don't know, I'm a pretty big fan of G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero. I love the toys. I love the cartoon. I love the comics. I thought it was one of the coolest things in the world. And looking back, it's still a great idea even for those not in elementary school.

For those of you not too familiar with G.I. Joe, I'll show you the intros from the T.V. series and the animated movie. The basic reason for the Joe team being formed is explained in them






I honestly don't think anyone can say it better than the opening narration. "America's daring highly-trained special mission force." And that last shot on the movie intro featuring the Joe team on the Statue of Liberty causes "I'm Proud to be an American" to start playing in my head. Patriotic. Action-packed. Catchy tunes. Gotta love it.

And let's not forget the famous G.I. Joe PSA's.



Now imagine my excitement when I first read that a G.I. Joe movie was in the works. I couldn't wait to see the trailer. And then I saw the trailer.



I was smiling at the beginning of the trailer. I was smiling when I saw Hawk. And then the "Delta Six Accelerator Suits" came on. At that point, I couldn't see straight.

I'll admit, there were parts of the trailer I enjoyed. Christopher Eccelston as Destro. The Eiffel Tower being decimated. Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow crossing swords. That all looked cool.

Things I'm not excited about are Duke being played by pretty boy new-comer Channing Tatum. He wasn't going to do the movie originally because he thought it was going to "promote war". The Joe team never promoted war. If anything, it promoted patriotism. Taylor Roberts should've been their choice for this role. (Love ya, bro)

As I mentioned earlier, I'm also turned off by the accelerator suits. This is supposed to be a G.I. Joe movie. Not an Iron Man rip-off. If the Joe team is so highly-trained, why would they need the armor equivalent of steroids?

But the biggest complaint comes from something not seen in the trailer. It's the following image I'm about to show you.



Yes. That's supposed to be Cobra Commander. Don't like him? Neither do I. It would have been much simpler to just give him the hood or helmet. But no. They have to make him look less like a leader of a global terrorist militia and make him look more like a bad rip-off of Kroenen from Hellboy.

What I was hoping would be a super cool non-war military film (I'm talking to you, Channing) is becoming a what looks like a sci-fi action flick. Not cool, Hollywood.

Here's a few things that could have been done that would bring in Joe fans.

Ditch the suits and give them their individual outfits
That was one thing I loved so much about the original show and comic books. One way you knew who-was-who was by their outfits. Duke and Flint were the good ol' fashioned soldiers. Shipwreck looked like a tough-as-nails Sailor. Snake Eyes had the sleak ninja gear (well, at least Hollywood didn't mess with that).

Give Cobra Commander his hood
It doesn't remind us of the KKK. It's alright to put the hood on him.

Let Larry Hama and Chuck Dixon write the script
Who else could do an amazing cinematic story for the Joe team other than the man who gave them their story and the man currently keeping their legacy alive via the comic books?

With all of that being said, I'm still going to see it when it hits the dollar theater. Why? Well, I need a good follow up.

Why is Tanner showing so much distaste for the upcoming G.I. Joe movie? Now you know.

And knowing is half the battle.

YO JOE!!!